Breaking Dawn: The Parody
by Annie Cullen xx
Summary: What do you get when the Volturi crash Edward and Bella's wedding, and drunken Vampires? A Breaking Dawn Parody!
1. Drunken Vampire & Carlisle's suspisions

**This is something I thought up when I was **_**reading **_**Breaking Dawn. Enjoy :)**

**Rosalie: **Emmett, you know what happens when you drink that stuff,

_Snatches vodka bottle from Emmett_

_Emmett snatches it back_

**Emmett: **Rose, come on, that was one time, and anyway, it was Jasper's fault

_Jasper hisses, everyone suddenly looks confused by the hissing_

**Rosalie: **Emmett, you _will_ get completely wasted

**Emmett: **Babe, it's me, you really think I'll get drunk _that _easy, its one measly shot!

_5 seconds later_

**Emmett: **Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,

_Rosalie rolls her eyes,_

**Emmett: **No, no no! I'm not drun_k_,

**Rosalie: **Emmett, give me the bottle

**Emmett: **No, it was Jazz's fault,

_Rosalie stalks off, Emmett carries on drinking out of the bottle_

_Meanwhile, Bella is talking with Alice, about, yes, SHOPPING!_

**Bella: **So, you bought me, a whole new set of clothes, and the honeymoons only for a few weeks?

**Alice: **I'm a Cullen, you're _now_ a Cullen, and we're all Cullen's!

**Bella: **What's that got to do with things?

**Alice: **_*Shrugs* and skips off to tipsy Jasper _

_Carlisle and Esme are enjoying a glass of wine,_

**Esme: **He's finally happy,

**Carlisle: **Hmm, too happy

**Esme: **Oh for the love of…

**Carlisle: **You think it too!

**Esme: **Think what!?

**Carlisle: **Its all drugs!

_Esme walks away, Carlisle looks at Edward suspiciously_


	2. Volturi crash the Wedding

**Edward: **Love,

**Bella: **Yes Edward?

**Edward: **I love you!

**Bella:**I should think you do

**Edward: **Emmett thinks I'm some random over protective freak, crazy huh?

**Bella: **_*Nervous laugh* _Right, yeah, Crazy

_Suddenly, the Volturi burst in_

**Aro: **WASSUP!!!

**Carlisle: **Oh god

**Aro: **Where's the happy couple!?

_Eve__ryone looks at Edward and Bella, _

_Bella blushes_

**Edward: **Hello Aro

**Aro: **And where's little Renesmee?

_Alice's eyes widen, and shake her head at Aro crazily_

**Aro: **Oh right, that's later, *_Nervous laugh* _how embarrassing

**Bella: **Who's Renesmee

**Aro: **Your daughter** ***_Bites fist*_

**Jane: **He's very drunk; we'll take him away,

**Bella: **Alice,

_Alice pauses and turns to Bella, who's looking annoyed_

**Alice: **I'm a Cullen; you're a Cul- I'm going shopping


	3. Wedding Speeches & Annoying Jane

**Lol i made vamplifier up on the spot, its funny...**

_All the wedding guests are sat down, and a very, VERY drunk Emmett is making a toast/speech_

**Emmett:** OK, I'm not one to brag, but Ed, you made a good choice, Bella is a _b_abe,

_Edward glares at Emmett, angrily,_

_Bella blushes_

**Emmett: **Now, maybe once or twice I've pictured her a tiny bit naked, *_everyone 'le gasps'* _I'm only messing with yours heads,

_Rosalie sighs with relief, Bella is still blushing_

**Jane: **I is going to make a speech!

**Carlisle: **Your still here?

**Jane: **Yaar, anyway, I is going to speakage

**Aro: **Why do speak like that?

**Jane: **Like whats?

**Aro: **Like that, the 'Lolcat' talk

**Jane: **Meh, its fun, OK, lemme speak

_Aro rolls his eyes_

**Jane: **OK, Edward, you know I think you're hot, right, well, I'm totally not happy you're getting married to this clumsy bitch, no offence Bella

_Bella has somehow managed to trip over some invisible object, whilst sat down!_

**Aro: **Are you quite finished, Jane?

**Jane: **Yarr _*Sits down*_

**Aro: **My turn,

**Edward: ***_Whispering* _Lovely

**Aro: **Now, sorry for that little fiasco earlier, lets just blame Jane _*Jane hisses* _OK, a speech, well, Bella is a human- _*Alice kicks his leg* _humanly awesome person, and Edward is a vamp- _*Alice kicks him again* v_amplifier

**Renee: **Isn't it an amplifier?

**Aro:** Yeah, but, vamplifier _is_ cooler

**Charlie: **Ooo-kaaay

**Aro: **I'm done,

_A few minutes later, everyone is back dancing and talking,_

_Emmett (Drunk) is flicking Jane's head_

**Emmett: **Flick, flick, flick

_Jane uses her talent-power thing on Emmett, but he's too drunk to feel it_

**Jane: **Must you do that?

**Emmett: **Yarr, your head's so flicky

**Jane: **Grr,

_Jane stalks away; Emmett turns to look for his next victim_

_Alice._

**Emmett: **Aliiice! Wassup!? _*Ruffles her hair*_

**Alice: **Emmett, please, annoy someone else

**Emmett: **Nu-uh

**Alice: **It's an order Emmett,

**Emmett: **Or what?

**Alice: **Your future won't be so bright, I should know

_Emmett runs away, to the bar._


	4. Jane's a Marriage Counsellor?

_The wedding is nearly over, but one person was missing…_

_Jacob bursts in, in wolf form!_

**Jacob: **WASSUP!!

_Everyone 'le gasps' and Edward sighs in embarrassment_

**Jacob: **Oh crap! Excuse me _*Runs outside to phase* _OK, I'm back!

_Loads of random women faint, because he has no clothes on, hence the phasing part_

**Jacob: **Oh damnit! Bring back your children, there's nothing wrong here!

**Bella: **You're naked, Jake, *_Scans the room* _There was no kids

**Jacob: **Edward, can I-

**Edward: **No

**Jacob:** But have nothing to wear!

**Edward:**You sound like Alice; anyway, I'm enjoying this

_Bella looks at Edward in a 'I'm-really-creeped-out__-by-what-you-just-said' kind of way_

**Edward: **Don't take that the wrong way, love,

**Alice: **HA, Edward likes looking at naked werewolves…Ew! You like looking at naked werewolves

**Edward: **You like the Porsche I bought you, don't you Alice?

**Alice: **Yup, why?

**Edward: **I _will_ burn it

**Alice: ***_Smugly* _No you won't

**Edward: **Aww Damn it!

_Alice skips off, somewhere unknown!! _O.o

_Meanwhile, a slightly tipsy Renee is talking *cough* with Aro :S_

**Renee: **So you live in Italy, that's sexy

**Aro:**Well, Volterra actually, I'll take you with me someday

**Renee: **But I'm married

**Aro: **So am I, but let's not tell them

_Jane skips over to Aro, after eavesdropping in their 'intimate' conversation_

**Jane: **You have a wife Aro,

**Aro: **Reneta? I don't like her, she's dull, and she never smiles

**Jane: **You told her not to, dumb-ass!

**Aro: **She can rebel sometimes; she never laughs at my jokes,

**Jane: **That's because you never tell any

**Aro: **She never looks me in the eye…

**Jane: **I'm not a marriage counsellor!

**Aro: **No, Jane, your much more than that

**Jane:**Re-really?

**Aro:**Nawr

_Aro skips off, and Jane hisses and stalks away to Alec._


	5. Buy me an Island & The Phone Call

**This is on Isle Esme now (:**

**Edward: **Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crazy newborn, don't forget to scream…AHH!

**Bella: **You know that's not how it goes

**Edward: **YARR, but I don't run from Crocodiles, I eat them

**Bella: **So, what we gonna do when we get to the 'mystery location'?

**Edward:**What? Isle Esme?

**Bella: **Isle Esme?

**Edward:**Carlisle bought Esme an island

**Bella:**Buy me an island!

**Edward:**K

_Edward and Bella arrive at Isle Esme, and Bella falls out of the boat whilst attempting to get out of it numerous times_

**Bella:** OK, What we gonna do?

**Edward: **Sex in the water?

**Bella: **Sounds like a plan!

_Yeah, um, read the last line Edward said…_

_Any-who, they wake up, and Bella's all bruised_

**Edward: **I'm a monster!

**Bella: **Mmm, you certainly are!

_Edward gives her 'the look'_

**Edward: **Look what I did to you!

**Bella: **I've endured worse Edward; remember James and the ballet studio,

**Edward: **Oh yarr, OK,

_Bella goes to get changed, and Edward's phone rings, its Alice_

**Bella: **Hey Ali-

**Alice: **(_On the phone_) Edward, remember, Renesmee

**Bella: **Alice? Who the hale is Renesmee?

**Alice: **(_On the phone_) Oh crap!

**Bella: **Who is Renesmee?

**Alice:**Our nickname for… your pet fish

**Bella:**I don't have a pet fish!

_Bella hangs up._


	6. I stole his tee shirt & Breaking Dawn

**I appear in this once or twice, just for the fun (:**

**Bella: **Nom, eggs!

**Edward: **Love, I'm gonna hunt on the main land

**Bella: **Nom, I love Eggs

**Edward: **Ookaay, bye!

_Edward speeds out of the house, topless (ooh yeaah)_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Ya know Bella; I know why you suddenly have a _craving _for eggs

**Bella: **What the… Oh hale with it, whyy?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Nuu, I told Alice, but not you, so, HA!

**Bella: **_*Puppy dog eyes* _Pweeease!

**AnnieCullenxx:** Nuup

**Bella: **Well, can you tell me who Renesmee is?

******AnnieCullenxx**: Nuup _*Laughs evilly and runs away*_

_Edward runs back in again,_

**Edward: **Who stole my tee-shirt?

_runs in, carrying a copy of Breaking Dawn_

******AnnieCullenxx**: Twas me Edward! I love yooooou! Here *_Throws Breaking Dawn to their feet* _

**Bella: **A book?

**Edward: **A _hard_back?

******AnnieCullenxx**: Yeaah read it, NOW!

_Bella and Edward read through the book,_

**Edward: **What's this got to do with us?

******AnnieCullenxx**: It's a good job your good looking and very hot *_Vanishes with Breaking Dawn*_

**Edward: **That was…

**Bella: **Strange,

**Edward: **Do you wanna go…

**Bella: **Break a head board?

_Both run off into the bedroom, AnnieCullenxx sits on the couch reading Breaking Dawn, and mutters _

'_Not long till they find out about Renesmee, MWA HA HA HA…'_


	7. Building rage & Samantha?

**Elizabeth-HaleX is my best mate Elizabeth, as you can tell, she likes Jasper. She doesn't have a Fanfiction account, she just wanted to be called that. If your a member of Team Jacob, please don't flame tis chapter, Me and Elizabeth just can't stand him. :) **

**I don't own any Characters (only me and Elizabeth ;) ) and I don't own the storyline, only a selected Chapters that I've randomly added (will appear soon)**

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**Jacob:** Yey Bella's home!

**Quil: **Cool, now you can start trying to ruin her marriage!

**Jacob: **Yarr,

_AnnieCullenxx and Elizabeth-HaleX run up behind Jacob, and smack the back of his head_

**Jacob: **WTF! Ouch that hurt

**Quil: **Jake, you're a wolf, that's can't hurt

**AnnieCullenxx: **But we can hurt him, we hate him that much our rage has built up to that one slap. AND IT FELT _GOOOOOOD!_

_Jacob and Quil stare in confusion, _

**Elizabeth-HaleX: **_*Slowly* we_ don't like you, we never have, we never will

**Jacob: **W-why?

**Elizabeth-HaleX and AnnieCullenxx: **Because you tried to mouth rape Bella, we all _read_ it; you _know _you did it, embarrassing!

**Jacob: **How the hell did you- you read it?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Duh!

**Quil: **I'm gonna go now

**Elizabeth-HaleX: **Yeah, go tell Samantha, but we won't be here when you get back!

**Quil: **Samantha? You mean Sam.

_Elizabeth-HaleX shakes her head, and laughs evilly_

**Jacob: **You really scare me

**AnnieCullenxx: **We're scared of you, you paedo!

**Jacob: **I'm no paedo

**Elizabeth-HaleX and AnnieCullenxx: **Oh yeah, _*Throws him Breaking Dawn*_

_Jacob stares at the book for ages_

**Elizabeth-HaleX: **Are you that stupid you can't read? _*Snatches Breaking Dawn*_

**Jacob: **I wanna know what happens!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Learn to read, MUTT!

_Elizabeth-HaleX and AnnieCullenxx skip away, and mutter_

'_To the Cullen's!'_

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**Special mention to my reviewers (there will be more soon)**

**annabeth swan, emgem 2000, carlsisawerewire **

**Thanks for reviewing!!!! **


	8. I stole Alice's choker & HE KISSED ME!

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I won't be updating for a while because I'll be in Tenerife, thanks for reviewing!! BTW, I had to make him kiss me, my story/spoof, my rules!! If you wanna make a brief appearance in this, state your REAL name and I'll pick at random, and don't just review for that :)

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__Edward and Bella come back to the Cullen's house,_

**Emmett: **Hey Bella, there's something different about you, did you have a hair cut?

_Rosalie glares at Emmett,_

**Emmett: **What?

**Rosalie: **Emmett McCarthy Cullen-

**Emmett: **That's my name, don't wear it out! _*Rosalie glares at him again* _Sorry

**Rosalie:**She's pregnant,

**Emmett: **REALLY, THAT'S GO- *_Rosalie snarls*_ baaad, very, very bad *_Winks at Rosalie* _

_Edward rolls his eyes, and puts Bella on the couch, and AnnieCullenxx runs in_

**Edward:**_*****__Jumps around clapping* _ITS YOU! _*Goes all serious*_ Are you stalking me?

**AnnieCullenxx****: **Naawr! But I have Alice's choker!

_Alice stalks in_

**Alice: **Where is it?

**AnnieCullenxx****: **Where's what?

_Alice gives her 'the look'_

**AnnieCullenxx: **OK, fine, here, take it!

_Alice pouts_

**Alice: **Maybe I don't want it anymore

**AnnieCullenxx:** OK

**Alice: **PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING

**AnnieCullenxx: **Bite me

**Alice: **Except that

**AnnieCullenxx: **Fine, I tried, here

_Hands Alice The choker, Alice skips away_

**Bella: **What happens now?

_Everyone turns and stares at ME_

**AnnieCullenxx: **What? Oh the book, I'm not telling,

_Everyone looks at Edward__, and Edward reads their minds_

**Edward: **Oh come on! Why me?

_Everyone continues to stare_

**Edward:**Fiiine

_Edward runs to me and kisses AnnieCullenxx, who dies __inside_

**AnnieCullenxx: **The baby, or you call it the 'fetus' breaks one or two of Bella's ribs, she has to drink some blood, blah, blah, blah

**Edward: **What else?

**AnnieCullenxx: **I'm not giving the whole story away! Jeez, read the book, and no, you're not borrowing this, even if I do love you, your not using mine… EDWARD CULLEN KISSED ME!! OME, OME!!!


	9. Emmett wants an iPod & Jasper in Therapy

**Okay, so this is this is the last chapter before I go to Tenerife. Enjoy, and review**

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__Everyone is stressed! _

**Rosalie: **I'M SO STRESSED,

**AnnieCullenxx: **Your blonde, blondes are always stressed _*Puts iPod back in*_

**Emmett: **See Rosie, she has an iPod, why can't I?

**Rosalie: **Because you can't

**AnnieCullenxx:** Here Emmett _*Hands Emmett an iPod that's just appeared in her hands,*_

**Rosalie: **I hate you

**AnnieCullenxx: **I hate you, too _*Puts earphones back in and starts singing* _what would my Mama do, oh uh, oh uh…

**Rosalie: **SHUT UP!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Is it annoying, Rosalie?

**Rosalie: **Yes

**AnnieCullenxx: **Good _*Carries on singing* _

**Jasper:** Haaay!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Jasper, Jasper, Jasper, lovely Jasper Whitlock Hale, YOUR NO IN IT YET, GO AWAY!

**Jasper****: **Huh?

**AnnieCullenxx: **You're not in this part of the book yet

**Jasper****: **What book

**Everyone: **That book

_Jasper looks at Breaking Dawn_

**Jasper****: **That? I've read that, that's why I'm staying away, all the carnage scares me, and I'm not going into therapy again

**AnnieCullenxx: **Therapy?

**Jasper****: **Yeah, after nearly killing Bella, I decided to go into Therapy, to give up wanting to kill humans, and, Edward threatened to kill me, so I went to stay away from him

**AnnieCullenxx: **You're really, really strange in person

**Jasper****: **Thanks!

**AnnieCullenxx: **And Edward, how dare you try to kill Jasper, for shame! I love him

**Edward: **Thought you loved me?

**AnnieCullenxx: **I do, I LOVE YOU BOTH!

_AnnieCullenxx has an idea!_

**AnnieCullenxx:** Jaaasper, will you bite me?

**Jasper****: **NO, has what I just said gone over your head?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Ooo, you're annoyed, guess you're gonna have to bite me now

**Jasper****: **Hell no

**AnnieCullenxx: **Actually its _Hale _no

**Jasper****: **That's my last name

**Rosalie: **And mine!

**AnnieCullenxx: **SHUT UP!

**Rosalie: **Ouch

**AnnieCullenxx: **A Blonde walked into a bar…OUCH!


	10. The Lair & Nightmare on Date Street

**Okay, promise, this is the last chapter I post before I go on holiday, not that it bothers you (:**

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**AnnieCullenxx****: **Jacob Black… we meet again

**Jacob: **Don't hurt me

**AnnieCullenxx****:** Yarr, I scared the living crap out of Jacob Black,

**Leah: **Who are you?

**Jacob: **Really annoying

_AnnieCullenxx glares at Jacob, who runs away screaming like a girl_

**AnnieCullenxx****: **You don't need to know my name

**Leah: **OK,

**AnnieCullenxx****: **How does it feel to be the only girl wolf?

**Leah: **_*Le Gasp* _How do you know that?

**AnnieCullenxx****: **_*Holds up Breaking Dawn, whistling*_

**Leah: **I don't get it

**AnnieCullenxx****: **ARE ALL WOLVES STUPID! JEEZ _*Runs away*_

_Meanwhile, back at the Cullen's_

**Bella: **Blood? OK

**Carlisle: **Rosalie lets go to the 'lair' *_Evil laugh and thunder and lightning*_

**AnnieCullenxx****: **Hey ya'll, what I miss?

**Edward:**Carlisle and Rosalie have just gone to the 'lair' *_Thunder and lightning*_

**AnnieCullenxx****: **The 'lair' *_Thunder and lightning*_

**Edward:**Yes, the 'lair' *_Thunder and lightning*_

**Bella: **Can't you just call it a blood bank?

**AnnieCullenxx****: **Naawr, this makes things interesting

**Bella: **_*Sarcastically*_Ow, my rib

**AnnieCullenxx****: **It doesn't hurt?

**Bella: **Nope, you get used to it

_Rosalie and Carlisle return from __the 'lair'_ *_Thunder and lightning*_

**Rosalie: **Here, drink this blood, NOW, because my- I mean your baby shall be born quicker then _*Crazy psychopathic person's laugh including eye twitch*_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Rosalie, this is a waste of time, she survives, give up,

**Rosalie: **_*Still acting psychopathically* _No, that baby's mine, mine I tell you, MINE!

**AnnieCullenxx: **OK, you just keep on trying then, Rosalie,

**Rosalie: **Oh I will, you'll see, _*Scurries away*_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Emmett, what do you see in her?

**Emmett: **She's pretty

**AnnieCullenxx: **And she's psychopathically evil with the strong need for children, and to top it off, she's blonde, if I were a guy, that would be my idea of a nightmare on Date Street.

**Emmett: **Nope, she's just pretty


	11. You take her & Becky!

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OK. I promise for good now this is the las chapter before I go on holiday, I just keep writing them AND hate keeping them from you. Becky is my mate from school btw :)

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**Bella: **How looong

**AnnieCullenxx: **How long till what?

**Bella: **Till I have him _*Points to stomach*_

**AnnieCullenxx: **YOU'RE HAVING A GIRL!

**Bella: **The ultrasound doesn't work

**AnnieCullenxx: **_*Gestures the book*_

**Bella: **Oooh,

**AnnieCullenxx: **Just to save time, call her Renesmee,

**Bella: **K

_Rosalie walks in_

**AnnieCullenxx: **You're a good grudge holder, Rosalie

**Rosalie: **Thanks, Oh damn it

**AnnieCullenxx: **3, 2…

_Bella stands up and I quote 'she vomited a fountain of blood'_

**AnnieCullenxx: **…1

**Rosalie: **You take her _*Passes Bella to Edward*_

**Edward: **Ew, no you take her _*Passes her to Alice*_

**Alice: **EW NO, MY NAILS! _*Passes Bella to Jasper_

**Jasper: **Have some sense Alice

**Alice: **Riiight, here Edward

**Edward: **You know what to do, so, DO IT

**AnnieCullenxx: **I'll talk you through it, OK, number one, cut Bella's stomach with a scalpel, number two, get the baby and don't pass her to Rosalie

**Rosalie: **Oh damn it!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Number three, bite Bella!

**Edward: **Enough jokes, what do I do!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Bite her, NOW, DO IT

_Edward bites Bella, _

**AnnieCullenxx: **Me next _*Holds out wrist to Edward* _

**Edward: **NO!

**AnnieCullenxx: **_*Holds Renesmee* _Little Nessie, aww

**Becky: **Nessie? Scotland!? I'M PART SCOTISH!

**AnnieCullenxx: **I know! Edward won't bite me,

**Becky: **Ooo, that's bad

**AnnieCullenxx: **I know, right

**Becky:**Well, gotta go beat the living crap outta Jacob Black, cyaaa!!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Ooo, its fun, trust me, aim for the back of the head


	12. Patience, Grasshopper & HUNT!

**Haay everyone, I'm back from Tenerife. Glad you've been reviewing whilst I've been away, even though the hotel had computers, I checked every so often. This new chapter is dedicated to my cat Farnham, who sadly died whilst I was away. :'( . But its also dedicated to my new born cousin (not the vampire newborn) MADDIE ROSE BULMER :D**

_Everyone's being emo whilst waiting for Bella to wake from the burning, Oooooo_

**Edward: **What's taking her so damn long, Renesmee is starting to freak me out, and she keeps touching my cheek and showing me pictures of… _me_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Not long, my future-husband-after-I-kill-Bella-myself-slooooowly.

**Edward: **Huh?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Nothing, Eddie-kins

**Rosalie: **See Renesmee loves ME, only ME!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Don't strain yourself _Hoe_-salie, but Bella does wake up unfortunately, anytime now in fact

_Bella sits up quickly, with her eyes wide and grinning_

**Bella: **_*Sings*_Look whose awa-ake

**Rosalie: **NOOO!! My evil plan is ruined! *_scurries away, still holding Renesmee* _

**AnnieCullenxx: **I hate to be the barer of bad news, but I think she just daughter-napped you're…daughter

**Bella: **I don't care, because LOOK AT ME, I'M PRETTY! I'M SEXY! _*dances around clapping her hands and glances in a mirror* *LE GASP'S* _is that me? I'm so scary, scary and TOTALLY AND UTTERLY SEXY!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Aaaand moving on

**Bella:**Where's my daughter? I carried her for like a month, don't I get the effing see her?

**Jasper: **Patience, grasshopper, good things happen to those who wait –

**Bella: **Yeah, yeah, I JUST WANNA SEE MY DAUGTHER!

**Jasper:** Do you want to kill her when you have a blood frenzy and then you become all depressed and then the Volturi get involved? You know how much that cost last time,

_Everyone looks at Edward _

**Edward: **Oh come on! Give a vampire a break!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Um, by the way, the book says you have to take Bella hunting now

**Edward:**Why do you read to that thing?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Because I do, now, HUNT!

**Okay, what do you think, I'm a tad rusty because of not writing shizz, but, will do better. R&R please, I want at least 25 + reviews! **


	13. Annoying English Stalker & Damn Choker!

_Bella and Edward return from hunting, and Bell__a gets to finally see Renesmee :D_

**Bella: **Gimme, gimme, gimme!

**Jasper: **Edward, it's not safe for her, maybe she's better off with Rosalie

_Rosalie cackles evilly and moves away the __cigarette lighter away from Jasper's back_

**AnnieCullenxx **Rosalie, you bitch, ever heard of adoption

**Rosalie: **Yeah, course I have, but this way is better

**AnnieCullenxx: **_*Sings*_you'll be like Madonn-aaaa

**Rosalie: **You're right, annoying English stalker person, I CAN BE LIKE A FAMOUS PERSON!

_Rosalie scurries away_

**Bella: **Aww Renesmee… Hello cutie, she looks like me, but I'm prettier!

_Renesmee shows Bella what he used to look like_

**Bella: **That was MOI?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Uh-huh

**Bella: **Nasty! *_Shudders*_

**AnnieCullenxx:** I've seen worse _*Glances at Rosalie's picture* _

_Emmett storms in, _

**Emmett: **That's my wife you're insulting!

**AnnieCullenxx: ***_Mocks Emmett in a whiny voice* _that's my wife you're insulting,

**Emmett: **You're mean _*Pouts*_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Did you just pout? What happened to big Grizzly?

_Emmett's speechless, and storms out again. AnnieCullenxx glances at Bella, who's cooing Renesmee_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Aw, parental bonding, usually involves _BOTH_ parents, Edward

**Edward: **Huh? Oh, I, um, I'm just, STOP JUDGING MEEEE!

**AnnieCullenxx: **You right, I'm sorry, it's no fair to judge such a HOT vampire

_Jasper coughs_

**AnnieCullenxx: **I love you too Jasper, but you have Alice

**Jasper: **But he has Bella

**AnnieCullenxx: **You honestly think she'll want him now she has his child?

_Que Cricket sounds and tumble weed_

**AnnieCullenxx: **I thought so, _*Skips away*_

**Edward: **B-B-Bella

**Bella: **Yeah? _*Coo's Renesmee continuously* _

**Edward: **D-Do you s-s-still love m-m-me?

**Bella: **Sure, sure

_Edward sighs and walks to his piano whilst __AnnieCullenxx runs in giggling,_

**Jasper: **What did you do now?

_Alice storms in, again_

**Alice: **GIMME BACK MY DAMN CHOKER!

**AnnieCullenxx: **Nu-uh, get your own damn choker

**Alice:**It's my damn choker

**AnnieCullenxx: **Well it's my damn choker now!

**Jasper: **SHUT UP ABOUT THE DAMN CHOKER!

**Alice: **But it's my damn choker, Jazz!

**

* * *

**

**So, what do you think? Funny? LOL please R&R!! ****And I'm open to ideas and if you want to be in a chapter or two, just tell me, I'll do it!**

**Thank you to my amazing reviewers : Mrs Lola Masen, The Lady of Darkness, emgem 2000, annabeth swan, beckxxjasper, carlsisawerewire. Your awesome people! :D Your that wonderful, I'm considering putting you into the world of the Breaking Dawn Parody!**


	14. The Volturi are coming & Shirley

_**I included some of my lovely reviewers in this chapter :D The whole Shirley thing was my dad's idea, he'd just watched Airplane or something xx R&R**_

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_Bella is pacing around Jacob and Renesmee_

**Edward: **Love, what _are _you doing?

**Bella: **There's something going on between these two, I just know it

**Jacob: **_*Spanish accent*_we did nothing

**Bella: **Don't try to be funny, I'm thinking

**Jacob: **_*Sighs* _OK, clue, I told you about this about a year ago, involving a wolf and a girl or boy

_Edward, Emmett and Jasper look up in utter horror_

**Jacob: **God, you're childish!

_Edward, Emmett and Jasper burst out laughing_

**Bella: **RENESMEE'S A WOLF!

**Jacob: **NO! Course not. OK, um, Quil and Claire, Sam and Emily…

_Bella stares in confusion_

**Jacob: **I IMPRINTED ON HER!

**Bella: **WHAT! HOW DARE YOU!

**Jacob: **Nessie don't mind

_Bella turns her hands into fists_

**Edward: **_*Whispers* _you've done it now

_AnnieCullenxx, __Mrs Lola Masen, The Lady of Darkness and emgem 2000 walk in_

**Emgem 2000: **Yup, she is _so_ mad

**Mrs Lola Masen: **Mmhmm, totally

**Bella: **I'm gonna *&$/:# kill you Jacob Black!

_A lot of fighting happens, and somehow Seth ends up getting hurt _

_Alice skips in singing_

**Alice: **THE VOLTURI ARE COMING, THE VOLTURI ARE COMING!

**Carlisle: **Surely, you can't be serious!

_Alice stops and glares at Carlisle_

**Alice: **_*Serious voice* _Please, don't call me Shirley

**Carlisle: **I didn't

**Alice: **Sure you didn't

_Everyone is silent, surprisingly so are Emmett and Rosalie, who are making out somewhere_

**Carlisle: **Anyhoo, you said something about the Volturi?

**Alice: **Yaar, THE VOLTURI ARE COMING, THE VOLTURI ARE COMING! COMING FOR HEEEER! _*Points at Renesmee*_

**Renesmee: **What I do? I'm only _*Counts on fingers* _like, 8 days old!

**Alice: **Yeah, but they said something about you being a threat and immortal child yada yada yada

**Bella: **No, not my baby! What should we do, Alice?

**Alice: **_*Shrugs* _me and Jasper are gonna piss off now, bye!

**All: **Awww

**Carlisle: **I'll call some of my vampire chums, including your ex Edward

**Bella: **You're what?

**Edward: **OMG, that was one time, I was drunk, she was drunk…

**Bella: **Your ex is coming here!?

**Edward: **It was like 100 years ago, literally

**Bella: **If I find out anything's happened, so help me Edward, I will burn you! UNDERSTOOD?

**Edward: **Yes, ma'am


	15. Alexa & The Volturi Stoned!

**Wow, the turn out for this Parody is going great x Glad you think it's the funniest yet **** UnoffciallyAlice AKA ALEXA YOUR IN THIS! SHES ONE OF MY FAB REVIEWER :) :)**

_AnnieCullenxx is sat next to Jacob, punching his arm_

**AnnieCullenxx: **This is for being a jerk _*Punches Jacob*_

**Jacob: **OW!

**AnnieCullenxx: **This is for being a paedo _*Punches Jacob*_

**Jacob: **OW!

**AnnieCullenxx: **This is for hitting on a married woman

**Jacob: **I never - _*Punches Jacob* _OW!

**AnnieCullenxx: **And this is for just being a complete twat _*Punches Jacob Harder*_

_Alexa runs in, waving her arms around everywhere_

**Alexa: **CAN I JOIN IN?

**Jacob: **No

**AnnieCullenxx: **Sure!

_Alexa and__ AnnieCullenxx continually beat the crap out of Jacob._

**Jacob: **You know, some people consider this animal cruelty

**Alexa: **Obviously those people…

**AnnieCullenxx: **…haven't met you!

**Jacob: **I'd better get used to this, _*sighs*_

_Carlisle walks into the kitchen, and looks at the calendar and LE GASP's_

**Carlisle: **OMC!

_Everyone runs in_

**All: **What?!

**Carlisle: **The Volturi come TOMORROW!

**Bella: **A month already, time really _does _fly when you're having fun _*Winks at Edward* _

**Renesmee: **MOM!

_The Denali Coven skips in _

**Tanya: **Haaay! Its meeeeee

**Carlisle: **Tanya.

**Tanya: **Carlisle

**Carlisle: **Tanya.

**Tanya: **Carlisle

**Edward: **SHUT UP!

**AnnieCullenxx: **_*Opens Breaking Dawn* _OK, the Denali's, check,

_The Amazons, Egyptians, and all the other clans and covens arrive_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Check, check, check…

**Bella: **To bad Alice isn't here, she loved parties

**Edward: **She's not dead, love

**Bella: **She might as well be

**Edward: **And, um, it's not a party

**Bella: **I know, _*Violins start playing*_ I'm just filling the empty void that _was_ Alice

_Edward rolls his eyes_

**Renesmee: **I'd hate to see her human

_A day passes, and it's the __day of the Volturi arrival, dum dum duuuum _:O

**Carlisle: **OK, let's GO!

**Bella: **Jacob, if I die, will you take Renesmee and RUN AWAY!

**Jacob: **Sure thang

**Bella: **And although I'll be dead, I still don't want you sleeping together until she's 18 or at the mental and / or physical age of 30, OK?

**Jacob and Renesmee: **Huh?

**Bella: **NO SEX TILL SHES 18!

**Jacob: **Oh right, OK

_Everyone prepares for the Volturi. They eventually arrive…_

**Aro: **Yoooooow!

**Carlisle: **Great, their stoned, this has ruined everything

**Caius: **W-Want some crack, Carly?

**Carlisle: **_*In hissy fit mode* _No, I do not want any Crack, Caius, I want to have a normal, sensible discussion and agreement about Nessie _*Bella growls* _I mean Renesmee

**Aro: **Where is this Renusmay, Re-Renesmee?

_Renesmee steps forward_

**Caius: **Whooo-wee, I'd totally do her!

**Bella: **THAT'S MY DAUGHTER YOU PAEDOS! YOUR WORSE THAN HIM!

_Jacob turns round_

**Jacob: **Haaaaay!

**Edward: **GREAT, now he's stoned

**Jacob:**_ *Coughs* _No I'm *_Coughs again* _not


	16. Mister Groomer & He doesn't like us!

**Yaay 26 reviews, this has beaten 'Death do us Part', keep 'em coming. Alexa is in this one again, and so is Elizabeth AKA Elizabeth-HaleX and the odd appearance of some other reviewers …**

**

* * *

**

_The Cullens are standing around absent minded, as they've forgotton why they're in a meadow XD_

**Edward: **Um, where were we?

**AnnieCullenxx: **The Volturi were stoned…

**Edward: **Oh yeah… OMG your stoned

_Volturi look offended_

**Elizabeth****-HaleX: **Don't forget mister groomer over there

**Jacob: **Why am I a groomer?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Nessie _*Bella growls* _I mean Renesmee, is like 9 days old, your 16,

**Jacob: **What's you point?

**Alexa: **Dear god! Your so, so dumb!

_Elizabeth__-HaleX wanders into the forest_

**Elizabeth-HaleX:**_ *From forest* _YES, HAHA!

_Elizabeth-HaleX__ comes in, dragging two people in_

**Elizabeth-HaleX:**_ *Singing* _Look who I found

**Bella: **ALICE! JASPER! See Edward, told you they weren't dead!

**Edward: **I – Forget it

**Aro: **Well, um, since we're not needed anymore, and, um, Renesmee doesn't seem the be the threat here _*glares at Jacob*_ we'll just… go

**Jane: **But Aro, you said -

**Aro: **No

**Jane and Alec: **Can't we kill 'em? Pleeeease

**Aro: **NO!

_The Volturi leave, and Carlisle comes back from out of the forest_

**Carlisle: **Have they gone?

**Alexa: **Yeah

**Carlisle: **_*Singing* _we are the champions, my friends…

**Emmett: **_* Singing* _…and we'll keep on fighting till the end…_*Rosalie smacks his arm* _OW!

_emgem 2000 runs __in, followed by Mrs Lola Masen, annabeth swan and Missythevampire_

**Missythevampire: **What have we missed?

**Edward: **Greeeat, more fans, lemme guess, you wanna be turned too?

**emgem 2000: **No… but that's not a bad idea

**Mrs Lola Masen: **I know, right

**Missythevampire: **Oh my –

_The wind blows in Carlisle's hair and he turns to face Missythevampire (this happens as OTT as possible)_

**Carlisle: **What?

**Missythevampire: **CARLISLE!!! *_Faints*_

**Jacob: **1 down, 6 to - _*AnnieCullenxx and Elizabeth-HaleX smack his face* _OW! STOP THAT

**Elizabeth-HaleX: **No

**Jacob: **W-Why?

**AnnieCullenxx: **'Cause its fun

**Jacob: **What about the book, I bet beating me up isn't mentioned in there

**AnnieCullenxx: **Um _*Flicks through book* _no, its not

**Jacob: **So, um, I guess you can't beat me up anymore, right?

**Alexa: **A book storyline ain't gonna stop us

**AnnieCullenxx: **Although you are kinda fit

_Alexa and Elizabeth-HaleX glare at AnnieCullenxx_

**AnnieCullenxx: **What?...I still wanna beat the crap outta him, he's an obnoxious dog! LETS KILL HIM!

**Jacob: **_*In a really high pitched voice*_Oh crap!

_Jacob runs away screaming like a girl_

**Alexa: **Yeah you'd better run, MUTT! _*High fives AnnieCullenxx and Elizabeth-HaleX*_

**Edward: **Ya know, I'm starting to like those girls

_Bella snarls at Edward_

**Edward: **Not in that way, you're the only girl for me, Bella

_Mrs Lola Masen, annabeth swan,__ emgem 2000, Alexa, AnnieCullenxx and Elizabeth-HaleX turn round LE GASP-ing_

**Alexa: **W-What?

**a****nnabeth swan: **You mean you don't…

**emgem 2000: **Like us?

_Crying starts_

**Edward: **What? No, I do like you, as friends

_Crying gets harder_

**Alexa: **IT'S NOT FAIR!

**Mrs Lola Masen: **WE WORKED SO HARD!

**Edward: **What are you talking about?

**AnnieCullenxx: **All that loving you, and it blows up in our…our…

**Alexa:** FACES!

_Crying continues for about…forever!_


	17. Apologize & He finally Bit me!

**I know that in Breaking Dawn, there is something involving Edward wanting a proper honeymoon after Bella's a vampire****, And I know vampires can't grow, but I thought I'd be nice to Alice, I've taken her choker too much (: enjoooy! Xx Last chapter of this, sorry! But I'm doing a twilight, new moon and eclipse parody, so, don't cry! **

**I don't own Twilight; it belongs to the lovely STEPHANIE MEYER! WE ALL LOVE HER!**

**AnnieCullenxx: **Come on, Edward, we talked about this,

**Edward: ***_Sighs* _OK, I'm sorry for making you feel worthless,

**AnnieCullenxx: **Aaaand,

**Edward: **And I love you all

**AnnieCullenxx: **Aaaand,

**Edward: **What else is there for me to say?

**AnnieCullenxx: **I just wanted to see what you had

**Alexa: **Aww, thanks Eddie, I do feel loved now

**Mrs Lola Masen: **Yeaah!

_Renesmee skip in_

**Renesmee: **Daddy!

_Edward stays staring out the window_

**AnnieCullenxx: **Edward, your daughter is speaking to you

**Edward: **Who? Oh, right, yes sw-sw-sw _*AnnieCullenxx smacks Edward's back* _sweety?

**Renesmee: **Momma wants you; she said something about 'a proper honeymoon' or something like that

**Edward: **Ooo, OK, you go tell momma that, I'm coming right away

**Renesmee: **K

**Edward: **Well ladies, duty calls,

**AnnieCullenxx: **EDWARD! WAIT!

**Edward: **What?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Please, BITE ME!

**Edward: **If I bite you, will you leave

**AnnieCullenxx: **_*Nods enthusiastically* _

_Edward sighs and bites AnnieCullenxx_

_3 days later,__ AnnieCullenxx wakes up_

**AnnieCullenxx:**YEEEY!I is a vampire!

**Edward: **Will you leave now?

**AnnieCullenxx: **Hmmm, no!

_The Cullen's walk out, leaving AnnieCullenxx alone_

**AnnieCullenxx: **And they all lived happily ever after, well, that's what we've been told…

**Elizabeth-HaleX: **Edward and Bella are still happily married and Renesmee has unfortunately been dating Jacob, and that's going well!

**Mrs Lola Masen: **Emmett and Rosalie are still very much in love,

**AnnieCullenxx: **And like always, Rosalie is the same stuck up bitch we all know

**Rosalie: **Thank-you, see, it's not hard to be nice to me

**AnnieCullenxx: **Rosalie, that wasn't a… doesn't matter

**Alexa: **And Jasper and Alice are still happily married too, and Alice had grown two centimetres since we last saw her

**Alice: **I'm so tall!

**Mrs Lola Masen: **Yes, you are,

**Alexa: **And Mike Newton, well, let's leave it at that

**Mike: **YEEY! I was mentioned in a FanFiction… what, no, don't end it, no, NOOOOO…

**Well, that's it! But like I said at the top, I'm doing a Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse Parody! Thankyou so much for reviewing this, and keeping me writing this, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND HOPE YOU ENJOY MY OTHER PARODIES TOO****,**

**The first chapter of my twilight one might be uploaded today, if you're lucky, and my pc behaves itself ******

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**


	18. He's a cop & The Cullens' are

**A/N: - I**** thought I'd do just a short chapter for you guys; it's quite HILARIOUSLY AWESOMEIZINGLY COOL!**

**I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT, BUT I OWN THIS SMALL SCENE, BECAUSE I MADE IT UP (:**

**Edward: **LOVE, NOOOO!

**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **YOU CAN'T TELL CHARLIE WE'RE VAMPIRES!

**Bella: **How did you- oh yeah, damn shield!

**Edward: **Remember, he's a cop!

**Bella:**He'll eventually find out, so, might as well tell him

_Bella drives to Charlie's, with Edward sat in the front seat biting his nails with nerves, and Renesmee, reminiscing about Jacob_

**Edward: **Love; think about this, he owns a gun

**Bella: **OK… thought about it

**Edward: **This can't be good,

_Bella knocks on Charlie's door_

**Charlie: **Bella, Edward, what are you doing here?

**Bella: **We have something to tell you, dad

**Charlie: **YOU'RE PREGNANT!

**Bella: **No!

**Edward: **_*Mutters* _She was, never again

**Charlie: **Oh, sorry, come in

_They go in and sit down_

**Charlie: **What do you wanna tell me?

**Bella: **Well, you said yourself that I look different, more like Esme than Renee, there's a reason for that,

**Charlie: **Why, what is it?

**Edward: **_*High pitched voice* _Oh shit

**Bella: **The Cullen's are vampires, and so am I

_Charlie sit frozen _

**Bella: **Dad?

**Edward: **Charlie?

_Charlie bursts out laughing,_

**Charlie: **You only just found out?

**Bella: **What, you already knew? _*Angrily* _

**Charlie: **Yeah,

**Bella: **Well, that's a relief, Edward thought you were gonna kill us

**Charlie: **Why would I kill my own daughter?

_Everyone laughs_

**Edward: **_*Laughing*_At least now we can tell you that Renesmee is our biological daughter

_Laughing dies down_

**Charlie: **What?

**Bella and Edward: **Eeeep!


End file.
